How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year