Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL