Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
cry laughing at this shit
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together