Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

how DARE

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”