Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
hand it over!
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.