Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Is this you?

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.