every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋