Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die