Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
two people or more is called a problem
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”