kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
kids play hide and seek like
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
my professor scared me for a second
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
won’t smith
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Winnipeg!!
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
This is a whole mood;
