Camping tip: No.
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I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
☠️
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud