Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.