the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.