Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

How about daylight saves us for once

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested