Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.