Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Shortcut
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th