Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
work smarter, not harder
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Yup.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents