Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My love language is deader than Latin
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.