Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

What is going on? 😅

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.