really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
You Might Also Like
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
this chia pet tastes awful
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
i really liked this one
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
