Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.