Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Look Ma, no handle on things
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.