Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.