if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
