Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
you can only post this today
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne