I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
