Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.