Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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Hmmmmm
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Aight bet
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.