Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space