I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Finally
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,