Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
