Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I saw this ending much differently.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
cry laughing at this shit
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house