I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
You Might Also Like
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
THE DOG😭😭💀
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.