Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?