Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.