Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Fight

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

be safe out there!

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?