Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

this is a sign that you need a union

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools