Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*