I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
You Might Also Like
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
how long have you had this for?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it