Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
This headline is a thing of beauty
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
me in a relationship:
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.