I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
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As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
British websites use biscuits.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.