They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.