Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.