[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel