Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I bet birds love this building.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Cheer up.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.