Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you