So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
You Might Also Like
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
What?!?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail