My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Flock of bats
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.