‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?