Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

@ candidates for local office

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day