I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”