Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised